My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You Might Also Like
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles