@LifesGoodThing: My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@Reverend_Scott: [shows up 2 hours late for interview] Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
@UduhEmeka: This is Bill Bill has a wife Bill isn't scared of his wife & says what he wants when he.. This is Bill's wife Bill is no longer available
@trevso_electric: Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.