My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You Might Also Like
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five