My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.