My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.