@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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@DanMentos: "You've reached 911" Knock knock "Sir ple-" Knock knock "This is not-" Knock knock "ok, who's there?" Ben "Ben who" Ben shot real bad "NICE"
@evanR39: Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet? Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.
@Cheeseboy22: Sometimes when I'm sitting in a swivel chair, I'll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I'm in the opening credits of a sitcom
@cwhudson: "asparagai" is what i call multiple asparagus, but don't take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus