@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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@Smug_Lemur: Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
@ericsshadow: ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.
@michaelianblack: How come my wife can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?