My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Autocarrot sucks!
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports