@byrdie_num_num: My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.
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@williamwanton: I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
@NYC_Blonde: I want what any normal girl wants in life... A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
@froghammer: People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
@Book_Krazy: New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT