Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.