Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
don’t we all
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.