doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
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A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I can’t stop watching this.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?