Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Beware of the dog..
I’m about to risk it all
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.