Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue