My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.