@cravin4: My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I've been fat shamed enough already this year.
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@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.
@ericonederful: I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
@perhapssomeday: No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.