My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I have no passwords left in me
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
WHO DID THIS?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.