My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*sewing*
A thread
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with