My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough