My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
🤣🤣
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m not lazy
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”