@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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@Leemanish: I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
@RunwayDan: Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
@RayInOhio: Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.