My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.