@causticbob: My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?"
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@Jandalize: With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
@Merman_Melville: Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can't it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
@UncleDuke1969: ME: [knocks on ambulance window] PARAMEDIC: Can I help you? ME: Are you carrying a patient? PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment. ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
@nbadag: 10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score! ME: y'know they're just numbers on a screen right? they don't mean anything [checks follower count]