My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.