My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.