My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Who did it better?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”