My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
You Might Also Like
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem