My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Noah
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.