@simoncholland: My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@truegritrumble: ME: A bear is just an angry couch. PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear. ME: *snuggling in* No. It's fluffy.
@professorxavi: To me, God will always be that guy that could've made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, "Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS."
@daemonic3: Kangaroo 911: What's your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN'T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
@pantsfaced: In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn't even know they were being watched.