@simoncholland: My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
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@rainerfm: My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
@mrtruthandsoul: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "You thought I'd like your pretty lights?" "Recite the alphabet backwards" "I can't even do that sober"
@jonnysun: [puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@GoldenSpirals: Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby? Me: Ooh, yes please! * Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *