My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.