My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
the last thing a carrot sees
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever