@juliussharpe: My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
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@SarcasticAlly12: My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
@BlindChow: [unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm– dog: he drinks wine through a straw