Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.