@juliussharpe: My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
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@CineRobert: "Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I'm gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone."
@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@samsara668: They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I'll never piss on an electric fence again