My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing