@iwearaonesie: my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
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@VaguelyFunnyDan: When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
@LindaInDisguise: All I said is that I didn't know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
@Jack_Wagon1: Sometimes when I get a retweet... I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
@Mister_Veritas: [first day in the mob] *leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I've always wondered: are they all just named "Don" or...