@iwearaonesie: my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
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@ImAlexOliver: Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore.
@peeznuts: -Give it to me straight doc. -You'll never walk again. -Now give it to me gay. -You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
@UnFitz: Things that interrupt sex: 20s: drunk roommate walks in on you 30s: kids walk in on you 40s: spouse walks in on you 50s: foot cramp
@iAmDelFreaky: When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, "Big mistake. Big. Huge!"