My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Battery falling down a hole
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*