My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
You Might Also Like
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Netflix: We have Less
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent