*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
You Might Also Like
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Maths meets science
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT