@tastefactory: My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we're in this big fight.
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@ianduhig: "I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"
@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure. Me: No. This is my family now. ZK: They don't actually eat marbles. Me: I'm coming out.
@dubstep4dads: JIM: I've got an idea. Let's call this place "Jimadelphia" [PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]