My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Are we there yet?…
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what