My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.