My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Great game to play with friends
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.