My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
You Might Also Like
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*