If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You Might Also Like
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea