Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now