My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.