@robdelaney: My wife claims watching me do karate "isn't foreplay." Why am I even alive.
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@DanMentos: *runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
@benmathaicomedy: 'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
@MafiaJoker78: New neighbours just moved in... I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.
@SarcasticAlly12: A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.