@robdelaney: My wife claims watching me do karate "isn't foreplay." Why am I even alive.
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@UncleDuke1969: "Mom?" "Yes?" "Are we having seafood for dinner?" "No, why?" "I heard Dad on the phone." "And?" "He said that he picked up a case of crabs."
@FatherofTweet: Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"
@hippieswordfish: everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
@omgthatspunny: I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .