My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos