@robdelaney: My wife claims watching me do karate "isn't foreplay." Why am I even alive.
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@better_off_dad: Beer is proof that God wants us to have fun... ...whiskey is proof that Satan wants there to be stories about it.
@RudeComedian: Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
@freezingsheep: If I hear a bang when I'm driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier. Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
@TheAlexNevil: Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".