My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.