@Mike_Vanatta: My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, "Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!"
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@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
@laurenreeves: I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.
@KevinGetem: Teachers call it "Going to the bathroom". We call it "I'm bored, I'm gonna go wander around school."