My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!