*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Monday
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE