My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock