@partlyfunny: My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It's so adorable.
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@ErrenMichaels:  *gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*  *dog now also fat*
@torrami: Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.
@KeetPotato: "what's your most cherished memory keith?" [looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile] [leans into mic] i heard a dog laugh once
@GrowlyGrego: *approaches pond* *water recedes* *turns away* *water returns* What the ?? *approaches pond* *water recedes* Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.