My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
You Might Also Like
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
This meal prepping shit is easy
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.