Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
You deplete me
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Hello Twits.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Very good news from my accountant
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed