My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.