@KentWGraham: My wife doesn't believe that auto correct changed "Yes dear" to "Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am."
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@SaddleLawman: Blood's thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
@deadstick_ron: [egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out] Mummy duck:... Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
@AristotlesNZ: The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog's ass.
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread