My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*